Daily Funnies

(AP) Twenty-one patrons of a Miami bar suffered numerous gunshot wounds to their feet and ankles as two armed dwarfs ran amok in a South Beach tavern.

Police say the tiny men entered the bar riding horsey-back, and things got out of hand when the dwarf on the bottom began to get drunk.

In addition to the many foot wounds, extensive damage to the baseboards and electrical outlets was also reported.

I totally got a visual!!! rofl

I'm taking votes on what to name my new garage band. The one with the most suggestions by midnight Dec. 20th gets it.
Skull Soup
Tower of Swine
Room in My Shorts
Sphincter Hoedown
Basket of Fire
Trees for Lunch
Glandular Imbalance
A Fine Way to Die
Let’s Pull Our Eyes Out
Sewer Transaction
Cosmic Groin Pull
Pudding Disease
A Rare Twinkie
Rubber Thoughts
Vaginal Spotting
The Note Fuckers
Puke All Night
Anal Lace
Gorilla Tits
Harmony Sucks
Warts, Waffles and Walter
Mess-Kit Germ Colony
Hideous Infant
Clots on the Move
Systematic Rejection
The Stillborn
Household Pest
Breach of the Peace
Thankless Child
Persistent Rain
Days of Doubt
Sack of Shit
Hole in My Scrotum
Ed, Formerly Don
Cocaine Snot Groove
Hilda Fucks
Waitress Sweat
Infected Mole
Brain Feces
The Stringy Shits

WOW! There's so many to choose from, I'm not sure what to pick!!!! Let's see..my favs would have to be Glandular Imbalance (aka CL--lmao), Anal Lace, Hole In My Scrotum, and my absolute fav....Brain Feces. That last one RAWKS BALLS!!!!! Can I make a suggestion though? What about Skull Soup? I always liked it......muahahahahaha

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping thru the forest road when she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

'My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.'

The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he's crouched behind a bush.

'My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf.'

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he's crouched down behind a rock.

'My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.'

With that the wolf jumps up and screams, 'Will you knock it off already?! I'm trying to take a shit!'

LMMFAO!! Good one! I'm gonna tell that one to my dad!!!

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Walmart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Walmart, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:

"Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's nine and the younger one, she's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, ya dickhead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter,

"I just can't believe anyone would fuck you twice!"

Now, that was funny. Sounds like the ugly, crabby old bitch that lives across the road from me.

OMFG I spit my Coke out all over the screen!!!!! That was awesome!! Sounds like a typical day at Wal-Hell. Anyone know where I could sign the list for volunteers to whip a hellian's ass in that store? I'll do it..ooh ooh pick me (please!)

World O' Golf

By Cooter Stumpfuck (AP)
Here are the results of the Blind Person's Golf Tournament. It was won by Johnny Dowling with 15,289 strokes, just enough to beat Larry Powell, who lost any chance he might have had when he took a 13,612 on the final hole, including 12,115 seperate putts.

LMAO!! My husband is a golfer..he'll love to see that when he gets home!! (he's at the course now LMFAO!)

"Household Pest"

How good the names were to pick!! LOL

If I had to pick one for something funny, it would definitely be

"THE STRINGY SHITS"

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party.
We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered
our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the
local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we
opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always
tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab,
my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be
empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will
be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long,"
I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the
bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had
to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it
worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into
the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car...

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!

You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!

We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!

Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.

USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?

You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied,

"I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Polite Way to Pee

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good
manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll
be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom
at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once
and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet
after dinner."

The teacher fainted......

After a long night of making love to his new girlfriend, Fred notices
a photo of a man on her bedside table. At first, he really didn't give it
much thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he. But after
a month or so into the relationship he begins to stress about it, even
imagining the photo is staring at him doing the deed. It was causing him
so much anxiety that he finally decides to ask about it.
"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be
reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.......

"That's me 6 months ago"

ROFLMMFAO!!! Those were INSANE!!! Keep em coming! I love that you guys started posting funnies. Everyone can use a good laugh once in a while. Keep it up yall!!!!!!

A truck driver for Carolina Freight was pulled over by the cops.

The cop was checking the drivers ID and saw he was wanted in connection for a rape.

The truck driver was hauled off to jail. Six days passed and he was finally brought before a judge.

The judge said, "You've been arrested on a charge of rape. How do you plead?"

The CF driver said, "I plead insanity".

The judge screamed, "How can you plead insanity to a rape charge"?

Truck driver said, "Cause I'm just CRAZY about it"!

(Well, it wasn't the funniest motherfucker I'd ever heard either.)

I was just in an argument with my Rice Krispies. I distinctly heard,"Snap, crackle, fuck you." I'm not sure which one of them said it as I was reaching for the sugar at the time and was not looking directly into the bowl. But I heard it and I said,"Well, you can all just sit there in the milk as far as I'm concerned until I find out which one of you said it."
Silly me. Big punishment. That's what Rice Krispies do. Sit in milk. That's their job. You've seen them. Delicate, beige blisters of air, floating proudly in the milk. And you can't sink them. They refuse to sink. The fuckin' Navy oughtta use 'em as life preservers.
And do you know how Rice Krispies manage to float for such a long time? They cling to each other. They buddy up. They gather in little groups of eight, ten, or twelve, but if you've noticed, it's always an even number. That's because the electromagnetic polarity of Krispies attract them to one another. It binds them in pairs like subatomic particles. They form little colonies, and you can't sink them. Not even with a spoon. They just come bobbing up over the sides of the spoon, laughing at you and reveling in all their buoyancy.
That's what the fruit is for. Not for added taste; not for nutrition; it's for sinking Rice Krispies. Believe me, a good sized peach, hurled at the bowl full force from atop a stepladder, can take down eighty or ninety of the little bastards in one glorious splash!
And I have no mercy. If i'm really pissed, I'll climb on the upstairs balcony and drop a watermelon on them. That'll teach the little motherfuckers to sass me at breakfast!

Breakfast At Our House

Mom: Eat your fuckin' corn flakes, ya' cocksucker!

Son: Fuck you, Ma.

Mom: Why you little creep! SLAM! SMACK! POW!

Dad: Here son, try this. It's new from Kellogg's.

Son: Holy shit, raisins!

Mom: Hey asshole! What're ya tryin' to do, spoil the kid?

Dad: Listen, cunt, I'm tired of your meddlin'! BLAM! POW! CRACK!

Son: Hey, Dad, when you get finished punchin' Mom, gimme some more of that shit with the raisins in it, will ya?

A blind man applies for a job a a wood quality control center. When he gets excorted in for his interview the owner asks, "How are you gonna see if the wood is bad or not?"

The man simply says I will smell it and be able to tell. The boss man says you'll get the job, only if you are able to do what you say. I am goin to test you. So the boss holds a piece of wood up to the guy...."Thats a bad piece of birch." The blind man says. The boss tries a different piece...."Thats a good piece of fir." The blind man says.

Well the boss man, thinking he'd be tricky calls in his secretary, and tells her to drop her skirt. She does and goes over to the blind man. A long pause then the blind man says, "This is a tough one. Could you turn it around for me?" The secretary turns around, now with her butt close to the blind mans face. "Oh! You're trying to trick me now!" the blind man says, "That's a shit house door off a fishing boat."

A boy wakes up and his mother tells him to go do his farm chores, before breakfast. The boy is not happy at all! so the boy heads out to feed the pigs and just decides to kick one in the side while feeding them. Then he goes over to feed the chickens and slaps one out of his way while feeding them. Finally he goes to feed the cows and kicks one right in the udder. Being done he heads into the house for breakfast. He sits down and his mother puts a bowl of dry cereal in front of him. "What's this!?!" the boy asks. His mother looks at him and says, "Well I saw you kick a pig so you get no bacon, then you slapped a chicken so you get no eggs and then you kicked a cow so you get no milk either. For the rest of the week." Just then the boys father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat out of his way. the boy looks at his mother and says, "Well are you gonna tell him or should I?

A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped Beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a Safety violation.

The cop said, "Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the Back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top!"

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

An engineer, of the BMW Corporation died and went to heaven. At the gates St. Peter told him "Since you've been such a good man and your vehicles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven".

The Engineer thought about it for a minute and then said "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took him to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

He then asked God "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said "Ah, yes."

"Well" said the engineer "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.

1) There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2) It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3) Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4) The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. And finally,
5) The maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there" replied God "Hold on."
God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed" God said to the engineer "but according to these numbers, More men are riding my invention than yours."