Daily Funnies

Why I fired my secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! " It felt a little better that at least someone had
remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Ok," I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake. Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday...."

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid Says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

The second kid replies, "Whoa, good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..." "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have A Seat" After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if We try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm Sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of His baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling! I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I Just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um... equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much Too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.

A new sign in the bank lobby says: Please note that this bank is installing new drive-through teller machines enabling its customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles."
"Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures as outlined below when accessing their accounts."
"After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed."
"Please follow the procedure for you gender."

Male Procedures.

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required to withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.


Female Procedures

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required distance to align the car window with the machine.

3. Set Parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, empty contents onto passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Reinsert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check make-up in rearview mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to find wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.

18. Re-check make-up.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty handbag to locate card holder, and place card in the approciate slot.

23. Give dirty look to male driver waiting patiently behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull out.

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release parking brake.

28. Drive another 2 - 3 miles.

29. Repeat procedure when you realise you did not withdraw enough cash.

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their
bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in
front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.


She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why
are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first
met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back
then?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so
sensitive.

"Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"


"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.


The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail
for 20 years?"

"I remember that, too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out
today."

Have you heard about the boss of a big company who needed to call one of his
employees (who was at home on a day off from work) about an urgent problem
at the company?

He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's
whispered, Hello?"

"Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes." whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the boss asked.

To his surprise, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes." came the muffled answer.

"May I talk with her?"

"No."

Knowing it was not likely his employ had left a young child home alone, the
boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be
there watching over the child.

"Is there anyone there besides you?" he asked the child.

"Yes," whispered the child, "A policeman."

Curious as to why a policeman would at his employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy." whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman." came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What's that
noise?"

"A hello-copper." answered the whispering voice.

"What is happening there?" asked the boss, beginning to be alarmed.

In an awed whisper the child answered, "The search team just landed the
hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they
there?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle, "They're
looking for me."

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane. The stranger
turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker
if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles. 'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me
ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff. Grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss
nuclear power when you don't know shit?

It's still a toss up between Gorilla Tits, Warts, Waffles And Walter, and Cosmic Groin Pull. Still taking suggestions, though. Through Dec. 20th.

SKULL SOUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cosmic Groin Pull
Warts, Waffles and Walter
Gorilla Tits
And SKULL SOUP!

That joke about the child and the helicopter is SOOOOOO cute!

mommy wrote:

That joke about the child and the helicopter is SOOOOOO cute!

Thanks,I like that one allot too.

Don't you know that kid got his/her ass busted when their parents found them!!!

Now, I love to eat seafood. Tons of the shit, with the exception of whole lobsters and crabs: they don’t look like food to me. Anything that’s crawling toward me, sideways, with big pinchers you know—hey, that don’t make me hungry! In fact, my instinct is, ‘Step on that fuck! Step on that big thing, before he gets to the children!’ They look like they mean business.

Frog’s legs. I can never order them. I keep wondering: what did they do with the rest of the frog? What do they do, give them little dollies and send them back out onto the street to beg? You know? Try to return them to a normal life? The trouble is, the Dollies for Froggies Program is underfunded! Boy, they’re doing something with them. You never see it on the menu: ‘Frog Torso.’

And oysters. I cannot eat raw oysters—or clams—not for the reason you mention, which is ‘It looks like fuckin' snot!' But because when I look at an oyster, I think, ‘Hey! Somebody lives in there! That’s somebody’s little house! I’m not going to break in on somebody just to eat them. Come on! We’ve got laws against that. That’s “breaking and eating,” I believe.’ Don’t get me wrong—if an oyster slips and falls out of his shell, I’ll eat that motherfucker in a minute! I got no mercy on a clumsy mollusk. But I’m not going in after somebody. Hey, he might be making a pearl. He might have just recieved his diabetes testing kit in the mail and cleaned off the tabletop. Not my job, to mess with an oyster’s dreams.

Did you ever notice? Your own farts smell okay! ‘[Sniff] Say…my God, that’s fairly decent!’ … A guy told me, he listed the kinds of farts once. He said there was the fizz, the fazz, the fizz-fazz, the rip-shit, the tear-ass, the snorter, and the one that goes ‘WHOOOSH!’ … One of the qualities, one of the properties of a fart, which you can only guess, is its—oh, let’s call it the ‘density.’ And then there is the ‘persistence.’ Does it remain a long time? Like mustard gas? A broccoli fart. Persistent. Some people’s houses: ‘Don’t fall down, the last three inches are farts, down to the rug.’

I'd like to improve auto racing. This is a sport very popular in rural areas. A perfect marriage of fast cars and slow minds. Let's liven up these races. What they ought to do is have one guy driving in the wrong direction. Simple thing: one guy moving against the traffic. Maybe with a dead deer strapped to the hood, and a muffler draggin', makin' sparks. You could also stick three children with rickets in the back seat. Racing fans would appreciate seeing something familiar. Make feel right at home.

Here's another thing that would increase the excitement in these races: You offer an irresistibly huge sum of money--$50 million dollars, to any driver who completes the race driving in reverse. Doesn't matter which direction he's going, with or against traffic, it's his choice. Fifty million dollars! Some guy would try it. In fact, you might wind up with everybody in the race going backwards.

It would also be highly entertaining if the pit crews had to change the tires out on the track, during the race. I'd like to see them try those ten second pit stops under some REALLY STRESSFUL conditions. And you would have guys out there trying to refuel the cars, too. Adds a fire hazard, heightens the danger, increases the fun. Just a thought.

And speakin' of danger, isn't it about time they eliminated that boring pace-car shit? They oughta start these races by having a couple of Air Force F18's zippin' around the track, real low. Keep 'em 10 feet off the ground , so the fans can get a real good look. Just watchin' them try to make the turns would be worth the whole trip to the track, plus admission. Just to see them slam into the crowd! Excitin' shit!

It goes without saying that, to me, the most exciting part of racing is the possibilty of fatal accidents. So maybe we could do a few things to increase the frequency of these accidents or, if not, at least make it a little more dangerous.

One idea I had, would be to spray olive oil on the track about every twenty minutes. Not only would this add driving excitement, it would produce an interesting aroma as it mingled with gasoline fumes, stale beer and pervasive body odor.

Another good accident enhancer would be requiring the drivers to race single file, except for two short, 100 yard passing lanes at each end of the track. Let 'em jockey for position as they head into the turns. And guess what? This might be the perfect time to release the olive oil.

One more thrill provider: line the interior of the cars with plastic explosives rigged to go off when anything touches the exterior of the car. Anything: the wall, another car, debris from the track,. Shit, you could probably make them sensitive enough that one of those heavy clouds of corn dog farts that come rolling out of the grandstand could set 'em off. And just think, the fart cloud itself would probably add several lovely colors to the pyrotechnic display of the explosions.

Someone has a very twisted sense of humor this morning

Sorry. I just get easily bored with the status quo.

WORD ASSOCIATION: FLATULENCE

BACK-TALK
BLAST
BLOW OFF
BLOW THE HORN
BREAK WIND
BREEZE
BUCKSNORT
BURN BAD POWDER
BURNT CHEESE
CABBAGE FART
CHEEZER
CHOCOLATE THUNDER
CREPITATE
CUT ONE
DROP A ROSE
FART
FLUFF
GURK
HINDER BLAST
HONK
LAY A FART
LET GO
LET ONE
MAKE A RUDE NOISE
PASS AIR
POCKET THUNDER
POOT
ROUSER
SCOTCH WARMING-PAN
SHOOT RABBITS
STINKER
TAIL SHOT
TALK GERMAN
TEE OFF
WET ONE
WHIFFER
WINDER

FOZZLE
TOOT
POOF
RUFFLE

ha ha ha!!! Are we really naming "fart noises"?

anal vapor
blowing the butt trumpet
splitting hairs
and how 'bout just plain ol' SHIT
ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

One day a single mother was in the grocery store with her 4 kids. They were acting up. Bad little kids. They were running around grabbing items off the shelves crying and screaming all over the place. The mother grabbed all and said "I should of swallowed all of you!"