Daily Funnies

NEVER CHOKE IN A RESTAURANT IN THE SOUTH



Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread and beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The
woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the
back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the
hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it.

I crossed an ipod with a colostemy bag. I call it a Shitpod. You never see a guy jogging down the street listening to a Shitpod. No, that's one of those things you never see. There's a lot of things you never see and you don't know you don't see em because you don't see em. You gotta see something first to know you never saw it. Then you see it and say, "Hey, I never saw that." Too late, you just saw it. I know things you never see. You never a Rolls Royce with a bumper sticker that says "Shit happens." You never a really big, tall, fat Chinese guy with red hair. You never see a wheelchair with a roll-bar. You never see someone taking a shit while running at full speed. And, you never see a picture of Hillary Clinton strapping on a dildo.

A woman is in the delivery room giving birth, the doctor tells her to push. She does and the baby's head pops out. The doctor says, "Oh! Your baby has slanted eyes." To which she replies "Yeah I heard them Chinese men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try.�

The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again. This time the baby's body comes out. "Holy Shit, your baby has a white body," the doctor says. "Yeah I heard them white men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.

The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push again and that will be it. So she does and the legs come out. "Holy Shit! Your baby has black legs," the doctor said. "Yeah I heard them black men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.

So the doctor shrugs it off again and ties the umbilical cord and slaps the baby on the ass, it starts to cry. The doctor turns to the woman and asks, "How are you going to deal with a baby who has slanted eyes, white body, and black legs?" The woman replies "I'm just glad it didn't bark!"

OMFG! Yall need to be stand up comedians! I'm DYING over here!!!!!!!!.....cough cough cough...can't ........cough....breathe....cough cough...........need.....cough cough cough.............air...........................................................................................

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it? The man says, "I hate that shit". Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks". You don't understand said the man, Chunks is my dog.

I have never figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differs much, and I have never figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my lady and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion heats up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT? What was that?"

So she says the words that every man on the platnet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, " Can't you just love me for who I am and not for what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The next day I opted to take off work to spend some time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went out shopping at an unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we would just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes so I said let's get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked me for a tenis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, Honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all honey, lets go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No Honey, I don't feel like it." Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I amand not for the things I can buy you?"

Apparently I am not having sex tonight either.

The modern version of the birds & the bees...

A little boy asks his father
"Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers:
"Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
"Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mum and we met
at a cyber-café.

I upgraded my floppy to a stiffy and then your mother agreed
to do a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we
discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall,
and since it was too late to hit the delete button,
nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:
"You've got male"

Love the jokes guys!!!
Keep them comin!!

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 (percent of) plepoe can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at
Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are,
the
olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a
pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot
slpeling was ipmorantt!

Good Bet

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile.

Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall.

He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10! o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

No matter what the husband does in bed, his wife never achieves orgasm.

Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to
Consult their rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and
makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man.

While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel
over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young
man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and
the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

"Okay," he says to the husband, "let's try it reversed." Have ! the
young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. They go home and hire a
strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the
husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great
enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting,
screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man, and says to him
triumphantly:

"'You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while
he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some
sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one
of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's
amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool
table---whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He
eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the
cue ball and stuff".

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for
the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the
bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he
asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats everything in
sight, but ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything
first."

this guy is hitchhiking and gets picked up by a truckie.
Couple of minutes down the road a monkey pops out from the rear cabin,
the hiker says "Wow, you got a monkey in your truck ?"

The driver "Yeah, he comes in useful... watch this" as he smacks the monkey on the back of the head. Monkey zips to the front of the truck, unzips the drivers pants and starts to give him a BJ.

The hiker looks on amazed..

Driver " You wanna give it a go?"

Hiker" Yeah, sure... just don't smack me so hard.."

A blind man wanders into a biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, mister.

Do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "Nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Words of Wisdom


Two aliens landed in the Arizona Desert near a gas station that was closed for
the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed
it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."



The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became very angry at
the lack of responce and the older alien said, " I'd calm down if I were you."



The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there
was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude,
he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in
peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"



The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You dont want to do that! I dont
think you should make him mad."



"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He
aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A
massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and
deposited him a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.



About a half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at
the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.



"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near
killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"



The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and
replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalatic travels, you
don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and
then stick it in his ear."

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place
her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any undies?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says,
"For the sake of decency, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.
Her skirt also blows up to show that she too is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no undies. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency,
here's $10. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over.
The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is
naked under it.

"Sweet mother of Jesus, Aggie! Where are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd
any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says,
"Well, fer the love 'o Jesus, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

Where do you guys get this shit?! LMFAO!!!

I get some of mine off of jokes sites, some I've heard from others and some of the other stuff is George Carlin.

I get them from a forum that i am a long time member. We have a joke of the day thread that is about 24 pages long.

It used to be that cars had cool names; Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda, Rocket 88, Roadmaster, Challenger, Charger, and one that they shoulda had, Asphalt Fucker! I woulda bought one of those! Now we have (dainty voice) Elantra, Infiniti, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Lexus, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel! What the fuck kind of lifeless, pussy names are these? Further proof that the American Auto Industry has lost it's edge.
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There are entirely too many love songs. I know, this soft, squishy subject matter put to music is demanded by a certain percentage of people, but goddamn, is this the only thing people can sing about? As far as I'm concerned, the love song category is filled. Let's move on. There must be some other topics. Everythings a broken heart. "Broken heart, Broken heart,"
What about a broken rib cage? Hah? How would you like that? Or a prolapsed asshole? You never hear a song about that. Wouldn't you like to see some attractive woman with long hair and big tits up there beltin' out a song about a prolapsed asshole? Or how about a nice song about a fire in a hotel? Or a guy who gets his legs caught in a threshing machine? How about someone who goes up into a hayloft and finds sixty dead Shriners? Seems to me we're passing up a lot of subjects that would make really good songs.
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This ties in with Papalek's biker bar/blonde joke:

How To Commit Suicide (Part 1)

Go to a leather bar with 200 heavily armed, wildly drunk, ex-convict, sadomasochistic butch lesbians. Climb on the bar and say; "Which one of you sweet little cupcakes wants to be the first in line to suck me off? If you're the lucky one and you give me a real good blowjob, I might do you a favor and throw you a quick fuck and let you cook me a nice meal. C'mon you repulsive cunts and I'll change your sexual orientation. I dare you to cut off my balls!

The Midday News

At a New York City park, police have arrested a one-armed man who was bothering other boaters by continuously rowing in a circle.

Authorities say a severely disturbed geography teacher shot and killed six people who did not know the capital of Scotland. He is still at large and considered armed and dangerous. They also remind everyone that the capital of Scotland is Edinburgh.

A man at a tool and die company died today when he was hit with a tool.

A Detroit couple is suing Campbell's Soups, claiming a bowl of alphabet soup spelled out an obscene message to their children. They state that at first the little letters floated around in a circle, and then formed the words "suck my noodle".

A large dog exploded on a downtown street this morning. No humans were killed; however, several people were overcome by fur. Police estimate that more than 600 fleas also lost their lives in the blast.

A woman in Montana was severely injured yesterday when she attempted to breast-feed a badger.

A man wearing a Have A Nice Day button was killed today by a man who works at night.

The Center for Disease Control has determined that the common cold is caused by a tall man who carries around a bag of germs.

Twenty-six people were killed today when two funeral processions collided. Police say the list of fatalities does not include the two people who were already dead.

In San Francisco, a baby has been born wearing sunglasses and holding a small can of peas.

The Bureau of Indian Affairs has announced they have located another Mohican. Accordingly, all the books are being recalled and changed to read: "The Next To The Last Of The Mohicans". Police in Maine announced today that they have broken up a ring of amphetamine users. Six of the speed freaks were arrested on the spot. Another four got away by sprinting completely across Canada.

There is this guy who has a 25 inch dick. He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can't please the ladies because it is just too big, he hasn't found a lady yet who likes it and he can't get any pleasure.

She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog when he finds the frog he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says no, his cock will shrink 5 inches.

He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks "frog, will you marry me?"
The frog says "no" And his prick shrinks five inches. The guys thinks to himself, "Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it's still too big." So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog: "Frog, will you marry me?"
Frog: "No, I won't marry you."

The guys dick shrinks another five inches. But that's still 15 inches and he thinks his chop is still just a little bit too big. But he thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks: "Frog, will you marry me?"

Frog: How many times do I have to tell you NO, NO, NO!!!

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities....."Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."

Subject: Irish Golf Story

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.

Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also." And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun , "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."

"What?!" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it's an absolute steal at only $20."

"Why is it so cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity".

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot".

So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman.

"F! .... me, a new brothel and a new madam".

"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel," scolds the woman trying not to laugh.

A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.

"Un f...king-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes," says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes," complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband, Dave, comes home.

"In f==king in-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients .... How ya doin', Dave?"