Daily Funnies

lmao!! I think a lot more mothers with those types of kids should've taken the same advice. The better half of them was left running down her leg!

A lady drops off her blouse at the cleaners. As she leaves the owner says "come again!" She replies "no, it's mustard this time ."

A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.
Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"

Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."

Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"

Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."

Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"

Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit....
Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you."
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.

Man: "Oh thank you so much!"

Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?"

Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.

Man: "Oh... thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"

Girl: [Starting to unzip the front of her wet suit.] "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"

Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!"

A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.
''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''

The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''

''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning; your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge . I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be two factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they each will receive a factory and $2,000,000.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You fuck her again."

Superman is bored one day and decides he needs a break. So he heads over to Batman's cave and says "Hey Batman, let's go party." Batman says "Sorry Superman, I've got some crime fighting to do today. Can't party." Superman's disapointed, but he heads for the Green Lantern's place. "Hey Green Lantern, let's go party man!" The Green Lantern shakes his head and says "Sorry man, I've got some reading to catch up on. No partying for me right now!" Superman's really bummed now, just flying aimlessly around town. He passes Wonder Woman's apartment and with hsi X-Ray vision he sees her lying naked on top of the bed. He thinks to himself "Hmm... I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I bet I could hit that and be done so fast she'd never know what was going on!" So flash, he sped through the window, wham, he did his business, flash, he was gone. Wonder Woman leaped out of bed and screamed "What the hell just happened?" "I don't know," The Invisible Man said, "but my ass sure hurts!"

A man decides to treat himself and some friends to a nice dinner after receiving a rather large promotion at work. He took them out to 4 star restaurant at a well known winery out in the country that he couldn't previously afford. After a large meal and several drinks he realizes he had to go to the bathroom, but put it off for as long as possible, because he was enjoying the company and a very attractive waitress had been flirting with him throughout the night. Finally he couldn't take it any more and excused himself to the bathroom only to find a sign on the door that the mens bathroom was "closed for cleaning for the next 30 mins". The man realized there is no way he could wait for a half an hour so he flaged down the waitress he had been flirting with and asked her if there were any other bathrooms in the restaurant. She tells him there isn't, but to hold on a second and she would check the ladies room to see if there was anyone in there. She came back out and told the man that the room was empty and to take as long as he needed and that she would stand guard at the door until he was done. She gave him one warning as he was walking in, whatever you do, do not press any of the buttons next to the toilet. The man quickly agreed and walked in to the bathroom. He was instantly overwhelmed by how fancy it was. There was relaxing music being played in the background, the smell of potpourri in the air, fine marble and tile work throughout the whole room, and fresh real towels next to the sink. As he walked into the stall he thought to himself, wow this is almost bigger than my apartment. He sat down on the nice heated padded seat of the toilet, that he swore felt like silk and began to take care of his business. As he sat there completely relaxed by the ambiance 3 buttons caught his eye above the toilet paper roll. Each one was labeled, one was marked WW, the other was marked PP and the last one was marked ATR. Being a little drunk, curiosity finally got the best of him and he pressed the first button marked WW. Instantly a stream of warm water shot up from the back of the toilet and washed off his butt. He found this rather pleasing and could not stop himself from pressing the next button marked PP. This time a puff of baby powder came up from the inside of the toilet covering his butt and leaving a rather pleasing smell. He couldn't believe this and wondered if this was what all womens bathrooms where like and that men have sure gotten shafted with rows of urinals and hot air hand dryers. He muttered to himself, no wonder the waitress told me not to press these buttons, this must be a well kept secret. Well not anymore he said to himself I am telling everyone. He then realized that there was one more button he had yet to try and reached up and pressed the ATR button. The next thing you know the loudest, highest pitched scream you ever heard rang through the entire restaurant emanating from the the bathroom. The waitress immediately panicked and ran into the bathroom to find the man screaming in pain locked into the fetal position with blood everywhere. She exclaimed, you didn't did you, you pressed the buttons, I told you not to press the buttons. The man looked at her in agony and whimpered out the words what does ATR stand for? He heard her reply, just before passing out, automatic tampon remover.

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks.

He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, " What's the camel for?"

The Sergeant replied, " Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel."

The Captain said "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about six months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, " BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"

The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel.

As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, " Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sergeant replied, " Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town.

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.
He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."
The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."

HOW DO YOU GET INTO HEAVEN?

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they
understood the concept of getting to Heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and
gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything
neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!" By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the
children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!" I was just bursting with pride for them.

Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A six-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE F*CKIN' DEAD!

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying "Well, we're not having any of that brokeback mountain shit in our garden."

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you
may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight-lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

4 MONTHS VACATION AND 4 NEW LEADS.

A lumberjack in Canada arrived for his first day of work at the camp. The foreman explained that the men were there on 3 month rotations, and it would be a long time before he saw civilization again. As they walked around the camp, he noticed an old barrel with a hole in it. Men were walking up, pulling out their dicks, and sticking it in the hole. It looked like they were having sex with the barrel. The lumberjack asked the boss about it, and the boss said "Oh yeah, you can use the barrel every day except Tuesday. Trust me, it gets really lonely up here." The lumberjack said "Ok, but why can't I use it Tuesday?" The boss said "Because Tuesday's your day in the barrel."

The U.S. Postal Service announced a new stamp honoring prostitution. Pricing for the stamp is 41 cents, but if you want to lick it, it will cost you a dollar.

A blokes been going to the pub a bit too much after work and the wife is starting to complain about his late nights coming home drunk. So its Friday night and he's been out with the boys and gets pretty drunk, so he thinks I'd better do something to smooth things over when I get home. So he grabs a bunch of flowers and rolls up to the door. She opens the door and starts having a go at him - "Where have you been, youre pi$$ed again, so you think flowers make everything alright do you, and I suppose I have to lay on my back and stick my legs in the air for this do I?

He replies, "What? ---- Havent you got a vase??"

>
> In Honour of Stupid People . . .
>
> In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
> stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
>
>
>
> On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside
> down."
> (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
>
>
>
> On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
>
> (talk about a news flash)
>
>
>
> On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate
> machinery after taking this medication."
>
> (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
> could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those
> bulldozers.)
>
>
>
> On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after
> heating."
> (...and you thought????...)
>
>
>
> On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
>
> (Oh bummer that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
>
>
>
> On a bag of Doritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
> Details inside.
> (the shoplifter special?)
>
>
>
> On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
>
> (and that would be???....)
>
>
>
> On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
>
> (but, it's just a suggestion.)
>
>
>
> On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
>
> (but wouldn't this save me time?)
>
>
>
> On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
>
> (..I'm taking this because???....)
>
>
>
> On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
>
> (as opposed to what?)
>
>
>
> On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
>
> (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious..!!)
>
>
>
> On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet,
> eat nuts."
> (Step 3: ya dont say?)
>
>
>
> On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not
> enable you to fly."
> (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

Little Zachary, a little kid, was doing very badly in maths. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centres; in short, everything they could think of to help his mathematics. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner, to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the ther tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He qietly laid it on the table, went up to his room, and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mum looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in maths. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room andsaid: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns? Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, "No" Well, then", she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?" Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the Plus Sign, I knew they weren't f***ing around."

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to the Tampa Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom; "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay ".

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot can be heard saying to the pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big dump....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long."
Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about. Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry dear.... He's gotta take a shyte first."

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and Repeat:

'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone.'

Well, that is wonderful.'

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom These last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says:

'Don't move, I'll be right back.' He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'Boy, that was wonderful!'

The husband says, 'I'm really pleased darling now don't move! I will Be right back.' He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better
than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she Sees
him standing at the mirror and saying........





'She's not my wife.

She's not my wife.

She's not my wife!'




His funeral service will be held on Saturday

A Philosophy of Two Cows

An economic primer..........

CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbour.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbour.

A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. So what?

A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbour. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are an eleventh the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you're not sure where they are. You'll look for them tomorrow.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A TALIBAN ORGANIZATION: You have only two cows. You load them up with explosives and herd them onto your neighbour's property where you blow them up. Your neighbour dies. You starve to death

Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife -- she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

Oprah Goes On An Eating Binge After Near Death Experience (AP)

After a near death experience Oprah has gone on a non stop eating binge. This behavior is not unusual said Dr. Phil. Oprah's plane was cruising at an altitude of 28,000 feet when the rear cargo door unexpectedly opened. The plane was loosing pressure and plummeting towards the ground. Oprah was sucked towards the door but her fat ass wedged in the opening. By this time the plane was only 150 feet off the ground. The elevated level of adrenaline caused Oprah to fart violently and propelled the plane straight up to it's normal cruise altitude. All on the plane were unharmed but Oprah's ass had to remain in the opening to keep it sealed. Doctors said the ring around her buttocks would go away after a few strong bowel movements. The FAA has yet to determine what caused the door to open but did release information stating if Oprah did not fart when she did the plane would have crashed into Tony Danza's house. When asked about the incident Mr. Danza said he would like to kiss Oprah's ass to thank her. Oprah could not be reached for comment. Her PR person said Oprah is distraught and said she "wanted to be left alone" or did she say "I want some more baloney?" Her mouth was full and it was hard to understand.

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise


I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,

P. Niss



The Response

Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,

V. Gina

Dad cooks deer for dinner, but doesn't tell the kids what is is.
After much pleading, he gives them one hint:
"It's what your mom calls me".
The kids scream "It's a fuckin' dick, don't eat it"!